Are You Experiencing Spiritual Abuse? Signs of Controlling Church Leaders

Kara
May 18
16 min read

Updated: May 21

If you’ve been under a controlling leader— especially in a church or ministry—and you’re still trying to make sense of it, you’re not alone.

Maybe you replay conversations, second-guess yourself, or wonder if you were too sensitive or at fault. Maybe you’ve minimized it or avoided talking about it because you don’t know where to begin.

If that sounds familiar, this article is for you.

Important Note: This blog does not cover sexual or physical abuse (which should be reported). It focuses on the subtle tactics that keep people stuck under unhealthy spiritual leadership. Resources are listed at the end.

What Is Spiritual Abuse?

Manipulative leadership, cults, and high-demand groups exist on a spectrum, but they share a common thread: authority used to control rather than serve.

When this happens in a church or ministry context, it’s called spiritual abuse—the misuse of spiritual authority to control, manipulate, or silence others. It’s more common than we’d like to admit, often hidden behind language about authority, submission, and “honoring your leader.”

To make it simpler, perhaps knowing what Healthy spiritual leadership is will help: Healthy spiritual authority is about stewardship, not control—guiding people to grow without taking their autonomy.

Often modeled after Jesus’ leadership, it’s marked by service, humility, and truth—not intimidation. It is:

• Relational, not dominating

• Grounded in integrity

• Accountable within community

• Empowering, not dependency-forming

A pastor’s role typically includes teaching, pastoral care, community leadership, and moral guidance.

Why Do Spiritual Leaders Become Controlling or Manipulative?

It can be helpful to understand where controlling behavior comes from—not to excuse it, but to see it clearly. It’s often rooted in insecurity, where a person feels the need to stay in control, be right, or maintain a certain image to feel secure. The result is controlling behavior that can deeply impact those around them.

But understanding the root doesn’t change the reality—you are not responsible for it. You don’t have to fix it, explain it, or carry it. You’re allowed to step back from what isn’t healthy.

What Spiritual Abuse Actually Looks Like (Subtle Signs Most People Miss)

Here's the thing about controlling leaders: they don't usually announce themselves.

They don't walk into the room and say, "I need everyone's approval and if you challenge me I'll make your life uncomfortable." No, they are often presented as passionate, visionary, deeply spiritual, and maybe even uniquely gifted. However, they are not “all bad”, which is why it’s tricky to discern.

What is common though is that many lead through emotional intelligence weaponized against the people who trusted them. They can flatter you, then correct you, then humiliate you, then console you — sometimes in the same conversation. And what makes it so dangerous is that it trains people to keep going back to them for relief from the very pain they are causing.

So let me walk you through some of the specific patterns worth paying attention to — both the subtle ones and the more obvious ones.

Signs of a Controlling Religious Leader (Red Flags to Watch For)

I want to share these not to give you a checklist to obsess over, but to give you language for what you may have already felt in your gut.

Claims of special authority. The leader presents themselves as uniquely anointed. Disagreement isn't treated as a conversation — concern becomes rebellion. Over time, they can insert themselves into people's financial decisions, their romantic relationships, their family dynamics — until their presence in every area of life feels not just normal, but necessary (aka: boundary overreach).
Love bombing followed by conditional acceptance. In the beginning, it feels incredible — like you've found your people. And then, over time, that warmth starts to feel contingent. Approval ebbs and flows based on how much you're giving and how loyal you're being. You may not even notice when the shift happens — you just notice you're working harder and harder to get back to that feeling from the beginning.
Independent thinking gets quietly discouraged. Questions are shut down — sometimes openly, sometimes with just enough warmth to make you feel like you're the problem for asking.
Rewriting reality. You bring up something that happened, and suddenly you're not sure it happened the way you remember. The leader denies it, reframes it, or turns it into evidence of your own spiritual immaturity for bringing it up. (aka: gaslighting)
It's us versus everyone else. The group is uniquely right. Outsiders are misled or spiritually inferior.
Forced devotion: High control over things like what you wear or what you do. Also proving your allegiance is important: such as mandatory actions (you must or else), recruiting for the group, attending all the meetings, being verbal about your support for the leaders, etc.
Fear is the primary motivator. There's a difference between a holy reverence for God and a low-grade anxiety because you're afraid of getting something wrong.
Shame is used as a tool. Personal struggles or issues get brought up in group settings, mistakes get weaponized, or you’ve felt genuinely small and exposed after interactions with leadership.
Lack of accountability: Nobody gets to question the leader. Criticism is dismissed, punished, or reframed as persecution.
Financial pressure. Giving is connected to your spiritual standing, your blessing, your favor with God. People are pressured around money, and transparency is minimal.

7 Warning Signs You May Be in a Spiritually Abusive Environment

Here are some questions that might quietly run through your mind that are warning signs:

Why do I feel anxious, guilty, or even relieved when I’m away from this environment?
Why does it feel like I can’t say no, set boundaries, or ask honest questions without being judged or corrected?
Is it normal that leadership isn’t questioned or held accountable, and criticism is always framed as “spiritual correction”?
Why does it feel like my identity and decisions are tied to this group—and that I’m expected to prioritize it above everything else?
Is it okay that leaders are deeply involved in my personal life, while outside perspectives or relationships are discouraged?
Why does it feel like people outside this group are viewed as unsafe, or “less-than”?
Why do I feel like I’m constantly being watched, evaluated, or at fault spiritually when things go wrong?

These are not exhaustive lists, nor are they 100% applicable in most situations. But if you have found yourself seeing these patterns or asking a number of these questions, it is definitely something to evaluate.

Here's a simple gut-check. A healthy spiritual environment generally allows questions without punishment, leaders who can be wrong, personal boundaries, and freedom to leave without fear. If those things are missing, it doesn't automatically mean things are spiritually abusive — but it does mean something is seriously unhealthy.

Why People Get Drawn Into Controlling Churches or Spiritual Abuse

Often when people are in transition or looking for a place to belong, these environments are most attractive.

Some reasons people are drawn to these groups could be any of the following:

You were dissatisfied with lukewarm faith and drawn to groups that feel more committed.
You had been feeling lonely and were looking for a place to connect. The term “family” felt comforting and needed.
You received prayer or prophetic words from the leader that resonated with you, and you wanted to get closer or learn from them.
The leaders recognized your talents and gave you a platform (or a promise of one).
You were seeking a deeper spiritual experience and were drawn to the charismatic leaders, and/or their vision. You wanted to play a role in helping it come to life.
You were used to controlling people, and unbeknownst to you, this sort of mistreatment felt like home. (See additional resources, Joyce Myers).

Controlling and narcissistic leaders don't tend to target weak people. Some reasons they may choose you are:

You’re empathetic — you extend grace even when it isn't deserved
You're strong — your gifts and your passion make them look good
You want to please others— you'll absorb a lot before you push back
You are generous with your finances— which helps them achieve their vision

These are not character flaws, but they've been leveraged against you. And what matters most isn’t why you got involved, but that you can now see clearly and choose differently.

Why People-Pleasers Are Vulnerable to Controlling Spiritual Leaders

People who are quick to anger, quick to rebuke, and slow to listen can be dangerous—especially if you tend to people-please. That combination is like a lock and key in the worst way.

Do you find yourself trying to keep a leader happy no matter how it affects you? Feeling like if you don’t go along, you’ll lose approval, your role, or get in trouble? Apologizing for things you shouldn’t have to?

If that resonates, it’s not a flaw—it’s a pattern that likely formed because keeping the peace once kept you safe.

The hard part is, fear-based leaders don’t all look the same. Some are loud, others are calm or even warm—until they’re not.

In a conflict, they make assumptions about your motives and intentions — and those assumptions are rarely generous. They jump to conclusions about why you did or didn't do something without asking questions or gathering the facts. And they typically only listen if they're opposed by someone stronger than them — which, if you're a people pleaser, is probably not you.

Over time, you’re left either suppressing your feelings to keep the peace or eventually breaking under the pressure—and having that used against you.

What once protected you may now be keeping you stuck. Learning to set boundaries is the next step—and recognizing yourself in this is the beginning of that.

Why It’s So Hard to Leave a Spiritually Abusive Church

It can feel deeply embarrassing to admit you’ve been controlled or even spiritually abused.

You might find yourself asking, “How could I let this happen?”—especially if you had life experience, discernment, or even warnings from others. Maybe part of you recognized something wasn’t right, but you stayed because there were real benefits, meaningful relationships, or a sense of purpose that made it hard to leave. That tension is real.

And in ministry especially, it's more complicated — because you actually believe in the mission and love the people. So you give more than you have and tell yourself it'll get better.

You also may feel guilty for inviting others into the environment, which can make you feel responsible for others. If you leave, what will happen to them? And you probably don’t want to gossip on your way out – which can make you feel stuck or like you’re leaving without warning the others.

I understand that completely. And I don't want to minimize how real that tension is. But I also want to gently say: staying too long in an environment that is actively harming you has a cost. Burnout. Disillusionment. Issues that take years to heal. At some point, the question becomes — what is worse… The grief of leaving? Or the slow erosion of staying?

And remember, if you give it some time and see a pattern of people leaving, you can begin having conversations that help others find their way out as well.

Real Examples of Spiritual Abuse in Churches

Here are some real accounts of controlling leadership. Details have been changed to protect those involved.

Emotional dominance in leadership conversations: A woman experiences a miscommunication at her church and brings forward some questions. The pastor calls her and speaks at her for 30 minutes straight, dominating the conversation and not allowing her to respond. When she tries to speak, she is cut off and told her motives are wrong and suspect. She ends up apologizing just to get through the moment—not because she did anything wrong, but because her nervous system shifts into survival mode.

The call ends with him saying, “this is what family does.” Afterward, she feels confused and very ashamed, like she is the problem. It takes time and counsel to realize she hadn’t actually done anything wrong.
Authority used to silence and shame: A capable female leader was publicly rebuked by a pastor under the language of “calling her up higher.” She was very embarrassed, but was too afraid to speak up. Later, the pastor's wife told someone she wished her husband would "call her up higher" as well. She had internalized the yelling as love. (This is why it can be hard to get help from the spouse of a controlling leader. They don't always see it.)
Shame as a leadership tool: A teenager was mildly disruptive during a church service. The pastor snapped at him and then immediately turned and shamed the young leader sitting nearby for not correcting the situation. The rebukes happened in front of everyone. What stood out wasn’t the discipline—it was how quickly shame was used to assert authority.
Control framed as “spiritual commitment": One church expected people to be present from early morning until mid-afternoon for services, with no real flexibility. Leaving early was treated like spiritual failure and people were publicly shamed if they missed a service. Over time, what was presented as devotion started to feel more like pressure and obligation dressed up in religious language.
Financial manipulation and hidden entitlement: A pastor regularly appealed to his congregation for financial help — always framing it around the importance of tithing and the stress of not being able to make ends meet. What other leaders eventually discovered told a different story. Frequent restaurant meals, regular coffee runs, and yet rent wasn't being paid — to the point of near-eviction on multiple occasions. Each time it happened, it became an emergency that the congregation was called on to solve with large sums of money. That's not a budget problem. That's entitlement.
Escalation of authority and fear-based confrontation: Someone went to a pastor privately with honest concerns about the church. Instead of conversation, it quickly turned into yelling and intimidation. The person left confused and shaken. What should have been a normal pastoral discussion became a moment of fear and emotional dominance.
Pressure to never step back or question involvement: In some environments, people aren’t allowed to miss services, Bible school, volunteer work, or special programs without it being noticed or questioned. One woman was sick and missed a week. The following Bible study, the pastor said that using sickness as an excuse meant she wasn’t fully devoted or putting God first.

Over time, even the idea of leaving became hard to entertain. The Pastor would say things like, “People want to leave and join other churches as soon as the pastor says something that upsets them.” Nobody wants to carry that label of rebellion, so they stay.

How Spiritual Abuse Affects Your Mind and Body

This kind of environment doesn't just affect you emotionally — it gets into your nervous system.

You may notice your body had been reacting before your brain even recognized there was a problem. You may have already been backing toward the door before you consciously decided to leave. Perhaps you started making excuses as to why you can’t make it (I’m sick, my car won’t start, my kids are keeping me home)—even though you probably could have made it if you wanted to, but these were “more acceptable” excuses.

You might notice physical shaking or hyper-alertness when you’re in the environment. You may realize you are isolating yourself more. You might notice that you're walking on eggshells constantly — a low-grade fear of saying or doing the wrong thing. Depression can also set in, which is often anger that has nowhere to go, so it gets turned inward.

And here's something else that can happen that's equally confusing: your own character can start to crack under that sustained pressure. You might snap at someone you didn't mean to. You might say something in a meeting you immediately regret. You might have a moment — maybe several moments — where you just don't show up as your best self.

That doesn't make you the problem. That makes you human.

What If It Was Partly My Fault? (Dealing with Shame After Spiritual Abuse)

You may have messed up. And also — that's okay. We all bring something into every situation. Maybe your performance was lacking at a certain point. Maybe you did snap in a meeting. Maybe you pushed back in a way you're not proud of.

In a healthy environment, those things get addressed with grace and gentle correction. However, in a controlling environment, your mistake becomes evidence. It becomes the story they tell in order to keep you in check.

So if you've been carrying shame about how you handled things in the middle of all this — I want you to hear this: you were under sustained stress in an unhealthy environment. Your reactions in the middle of it don't define you. So even if you had a part to play in some of what happened — and most of us do, to some degree — that doesn't cancel out what was done to you. Both things can be true.

Take what's genuinely yours to own, bring it to God and repent, and then let it go.

Is God Asking You to Stay? Discerning His Will in Unhealthy Leadership

God can be growing something in you through a hard season — and the situation can still be genuinely unhealthy. Those two things are not mutually exclusive. He may be building your backbone. He may be teaching you that your value is not tied to someone else's approval of you. But that is HIS work in you — not a justification for a controlling leader to treat you poorly.

And if you are a very loyal person who is confused about whether to stay or leave, I suggest you talk to God about it. He may say, “This is a training ground so you can free others.” He may also say, "Just because things are hard doesn't mean you did anything wrong. You are free to leave.”

Recognizing an unhealthy environment or leader takes courage, and stepping away takes even more.

When You’re Leaving a Controlling Environment

You don’t need to win a conversation or convince anyone of your reasons. In many controlling environments, that conversation won’t lead to understanding—it will lead to pressure, confusion, or pushback.

Clarity is more important than confrontation. Some people insist you must confront, but sometimes the healthiest step is simply to recognize what’s happening, stop trying to fix it internally, and begin stepping away with support.

If you do communicate anything (whether written or verbal), keep it grounded and brief:

“This isn’t a healthy environment for me.”
“I’m stepping back from involvement.”

You don’t owe a full explanation to someone who has already shown they don’t handle disagreement well. Let their response give you clarity, not direction.

Can You Leave a Church and Still Be Faithful to God?

This is a question that can keep people stuck, especially in ministry.

If I leave, am I abandoning what God called me to? Is walking away the same as giving up?

God's plan for your life is not so fragile that one person's dysfunction can permanently derail it. Yes, maybe you were supposed to be there, but people have free will and sometimes things go awry.

There comes a point where the burnout and disillusionment become so deep that recovery takes years. So you have to ask yourself, “Is it worth it to stay and lose myself entirely?”

And know this — even if you leave, God knew what you were going to do and can easily make Plan B better than Plan A. Keep the faith.

The Spiritual Trap Nobody Warns You About

Even after you leave a situation like this, the battle isn't over. Sometimes it intensifies — just in a different arena. Because what can happen is that your focus becomes completely consumed with getting the other person to see what they did.

You replay conversations at 2am.
You're defending your name in arguments that only exist in your head.
You are obsessing over setting the record straight.

And I want to be clear — your anger is valid and justice matters. But there is a difference between processing what happened and being consumed by it. Because when every thought revolves around them and what they did, you have handed over your peace. The goal is to get to a place where you feel safe, you’ve forgiven, and you release it all to God.

How to Heal After Spiritual Abuse (And When to Get Help)

Processing something like this takes time. It takes honesty. And it almost always goes better with someone outside the situation — a counselor, a trusted friend with real wisdom, or a community that has no stake in the story you're telling.

I want to share a gentle warning regarding who you process with, and the timing of it. Shortly after my own personal incident with spiritual abuse, I opened up to a new friend. I only shared about a paragraph of what had happened — because honestly, I hadn't fully processed it myself yet. And… she kind of brushed it off.

At the time, that stung a little. But looking back, I completely understand why. When you share something too soon, before you've even made sense of it yourself, it's hard for anyone else to know what they're looking at either. I was still too close to it, too confused, too tangled up in false guilt to tell the story clearly. That's when I decided to go to actual counseling — somewhere I could take my time, unpack it slowly with someone who wasn’t associated, and figure out what had actually happened.

I’ve learned that clarity matters more than trying to force resolution. And over time, clarity tends to return—often after you’re no longer in the environment that was clouding it in the first place.

Did this resonate with you? I'd love to hear from you. And if you're in the middle of something like this right now, please reach out to a trusted counselor or mentor — you really don't have to figure this out alone. If you’re looking for more information, I have attached some great resources and videos below!

ADDITIONAL RESOURCES:

I watched a few great testimonials and teachings on leaving a cult and spiritual abuse/controlling leaders. Here are a few excerpts from them and links to the full videos.

1) Myers, Joyce. “Joyce Meyer: Insecure People Try to Control Others | FULL EPISODE | Better Together on TBN”, Youtube, uploaded by TBN, 20 May 2022, https://youtu.be/eECDi23VyOE?si=Wj0zEbRA6EV3EKps

She talks about being abused by her father, and how she would naturally be attracted to other controlling individuals because it felt familiar. She stopped once she discovered how bad it was. She talks about putting herself under controlling leaders and how hard it is, but necessary, to confront. (Myers 00:00:45)

She states that people that are controllers are weak and insecure. When she confronted, the first words she heard was, “Who do you think you are?” – this was a problem because this person thinks they are superior even though they are very insecure. Sometimes we want to pray it away, but we can’t. (Myers 00:16:43)

2) Seeley, Alex “Joyce Meyer: Insecure People Try to Control Others | FULL EPISODE | Better Together on TBN”, Youtube, uploaded by TBN, 20 May 2022, https://youtu.be/eECDi23VyOE?si=Wj0zEbRA6EV3EKps

Looking for validation, feeling like you’ll never measure up, constant shaming, don’t feel like you can be yourself there. “[I was} the ultimate people pleaser… just disgusting. To the point that I would even push my husband aside to please these people…” (Seeley 00:14:23)

3) Turner, Sade “My Church Was a Cult and Spiritually Abusive | My Story + Signs to Watch For,” Youtube, uploaded by Sade Turner, 14 April 2025, https://youtu.be/uiKwIwm2S3g?si=53XLZi0m0omzHJ7l

We were forced, as leaders, to worship. We couldn’t sit down, we weren’t allow to flow in the spirit or do what we wanted. He said it’s scriptural for everyone to worship not just sit there. But the control was there. He would look at them from the pulpit and give them dirty looks like he needed to see more of her engaging in worship. "It was so oppressive."

After church service there was always a criticism, there was always what they called “feedback” – there was always a calling out. (Turner 00:12:23)

Last minute call to church on Thanksgiving. You could tell the service was just for him to collect money. She later overheard his girlfriend asking for the money that he collected.

She felt guilt for having told so many people to come to the church! The Lord told her “I’ll take care of my sheep”. She wrote a letter to the pastor saying the Lord told her to go and he said, “You didn’t hear from the Lord.” Eventually she left. She felt like the prison doors were open!

4) Lenz, Bethany Joy “Bethany Joy Lenz Reveals How She GOT OUT OF CULT” Youtube, uploaded by Access Hollywood, Oct 22, 2024 https://youtu.be/whFjfAW7QBs?si=Sz3fb8OTiB6X5gAs

Met people at a small group bible study. Completely normal for a charismatic, presbyterian church. Just wanted to belong. It happens over time. People are looking for a place to belong. One of the key tactics of narcissists is isolation. Your bio mom is just your biological mom – THIS is your spiritual mom now. (Lenz 00:01:23)

She talks about if there had been a legitimate intervention with people she loved, only maybe would she have listened. “Because it’s your religion, that’s your dogma. If everything else falls away, what else do we have but the philosophical answers to the big questions in life. That’s what we’re all searching for… and if you think you’ve found all the answers for that… the fear locks you in and you can’t listen to other perspectives or take advice from other people that don’t know what you “know”. I wasn’t ready until I was ready.” (Lenz 00:14:45)